I read people’s fitness and weight loss blogs, looking for people’s successes. I find those personal stories energizing. However, the most common theme that I run across on weight loss blogs is self-criticism and negativity. When I see this, I often think of some principles that I learned from Dr. Fred Luskin’s book Forgive for Good: A PROVEN Pescription for Health and Happiness. I read this before my own fitness journey. A friend, Dr. Paul Jenkins mentioned it.
Dr. Luskin is director and cofounder of the Stanford University Forgiveness Project. The book summarizes scientific research he conducted, including work with some of the toughest cases, such as Irish who lost loved ones in Northern Ireland’s civil war.
What Forgiveness Is Not
In his book, Dr. Luskin talks about some of the myths that surround forgiveness. Let’s get those out of the way. Forgiveness does not mean:
- forgoing the right to anger when we have been mistreated,
- forgetting a past painful experience,
- excusing poor behavior,
- denying or minimizing hurt,
- reconciling with an offender,
- you have to have an “otherworldly or religious experience,”
- not pursuing justice,
- and other methods of denying what has happened, or shifting blame for our feelings.
So What Is Forgiveness?
Forgiveness consists of releasing grievance stories and/or unreasonable expectations in our lives. This means that we stop directing attention on them in our mind. We stop bringing them into our mental home and giving them the seat of honor at our table.
Forgiveness is:
- for you the individual, and you alone;
- the peace you learn to feel when you stop feeding the grievance,
- taking back your power given away,
- taking responsibility for how you feel.
- a learned skill.
He summed it up best for me with the single sentence, “Forgiveness is the practice of extending your moments of peacefulness.”
That’s Nice, But What Does This Have to Do With Fitness?
So how does this relate to fitness? When I look at the atmosphere surrounding weight loss specifically and fitness generally, it’s easy to find people publicly whipping themselves. This contributes to my general aversion of anything with the word “diet” in it. The word “diet” tends to carry with it promises of sunshine quickly followed by roiling dark clouds of frustration and disappointment.
The Western concept of forgiveness overlaps heavily with the Zen notion of unattachment. Events happen. Choices are made. Unexpected curve balls hit us in the head. Forgiveness is about acknowledging these things but not allowing ourselves to get caught up in them.
For example, say I choose to binge on jumbo-sized jalapeño “Bahama mama” hot dogs, juice, and chips. I could choose to get out the cat-o’-nine-tails and flog myself (mentally) into an unrecognizable bleeding pulp. In the past that would have been normal behavior. I would choose poorly, and build my own personal hell.
After a while I realized that Hell’s not the best place to camp out in. The company sucks.
Get the Hell Out of Hell
I had decisions to make, such as:
- Why not acknowledge the counterproductive choice, acknowledge my feelings of disappointment… and choose to not let it go past that? I can anticipate the circumstances that contributed to my poor choice with a plan to choose successfully in the future.
- Why not make a practice to seek out and extend my peaceful moments? Exercise often carries with it a rush of “feel good” chemicals. I can supplement my physical exercise with mental exercise.
- Why not give myself credit where credit is due? Even if I were a “failure” and had no improvement in my weight, the process has taught me much about myself and my relationship with myself.
- Why not put forth the effort to develop the skills and disciplines that allow me to stay out of Hell? Choosing pain over peace is, well, painful.
I’m completely average here. I sometimes get caught up in those moments of anger. Last week was tough for me and I slid sideways almost the whole week. I’ve never seen my weight spike up and down so sharply. I have to admit that there were a handful of days in the row that dredged up similar “up and down” emotions.
I would like to suggest that if I can, we all can learn to have more moments of compassionate forgiveness for ourselves and increase our moments of peace. When our hearts and mind are in this state of peace, we can think clearly and use our reason more effectively. From a sanctuary of peace we can also rewire our subconscious mind with greater ease. This allows us to replace our old habits with new, making the process of becoming fit more automatic; becoming a joy rather than a war.
I’m past last week’s roller coaster, and quite frankly forgot about until I started writing this section. Lessons learned, for which I can express gratitude.
I hope this post isn’t too heavy. I’ve been somewhat pensive since last night. I considered writing about something else but it’s a part of the human experience and I have hopes that somebody else might benefit.
Status: 59 pounds (27 kg) lighter
A wise man will make haste to forgive, because he knows the true value of time, and will not suffer it to pass away in unnecessary pain.
– Samuel Johnson
Joe Average Gets Fit 